When we are facing challenges in relationships, it’s important to note that not only are we in a relationship with a partner, we are constantly upgrading our own relationship with ourselves. Therefore, to effectively deal with relationship challenges we need to put more focus on ourselves, and look at how we may be contributing to the challenges in our relationship.
It’s easy to be single, where you can kid yourself all you want. You can procrastinate, make excuses as to why you’re not stepping up, become complacent and no one else knows.
However, when you’re in a relationship, your partner will often call you out on your *BS and hold you accountable for your words and actions (or lack thereof). This can be distinctly uncomfortable, especially when you know your actions have been incomplete, lazy or inconsiderate.
Yet, how often do you overreact and defend yourself and your actions, instead of really hearing what your partner is asking of you? Do you want to argue your point to prove you are right and cause more relationship challenges, or do you want to enhance connection with your partner and truly be happy?
Many challenges in relationships stem from becoming emotionally triggered when your partner wants to help you grow as a person. Instead of being defensive and argumentative or shut down (which aren’t at all attractive), look at this as your chance to step up and become someone you both truly admire.
Getting caught up in arguing to prove that you’re right not only drains precious energy, but erects walls of resistance between yourself and your partner which can eventually seem too vast to breach.
To stop going round in circles you need to start clarifying what you want and then take steps to make sure you get there:
👉 Get clear on what you want as individuals
👉 Become in charge of how you express emotion
👉 Enhance your desire to connect intimately
👉 Communicate empathetically (instead of pathetically!)
👉 Stay focused on creating your ideal outcomes
Something you may want to take into consideration is that when you’re feeling out of alignment with yourself, it’s difficult to clearly communicate your wants and needs. This can result in frustration and annoyance being communicated through your tone of voice and body language, which then has a tendency to trigger an emotional reaction in your partner!
To fix challenges in relationships you need to step up your desire to become a better version of yourself. However to do that, you need access to more energy... yet the amount of energy you have is determined by where you are putting most of your attention.
Are you focused on what you want or don’t want to experience in your relationship? Our brain has a filter which filters out millions of bytes of incoming data so we only see what we are most focused on. This means that the more we focus on noticing threats and annoyances, the more we become hyper focused upon them!
This can affect our ability to connect and function emotionally as well as sexually in our relationship and clearly communicate our needs.
Many men, women, and couples I work with who are experiencing challenges in relationships complain about not being heard or feeling misunderstood. They feel unable to discuss or resolve important issues without their partner becoming emotionally triggered.
How often does this happen when you are trying to save your relationship?
Most challenges in relationships stem from being threat focused, where we are constantly perceiving our partner’s words or actions as threatening our own wellbeing. However, any tension in our body is quickly revealed to them, which instantly puts their brain on high alert... and now, just like us, they are just one wrongly perceived word away from being triggered into a full-blown emotional reaction!
While stress hormones are flooding our bodies in preparation for fight or flight, we can feel disconnected and unable to clearly communicate. This further exacerbates our feelings of isolation and disconnection.
The emotional force has the potential to be either creative or destructive, depending on our ability to direct it. And our ability to direct this force depends on our ability to restore our emotions to a place of calm.
Emotion is a power that is either creative or destructive depending on how it is directed. Many times we don’t speak out loud, but the emotion behind “the look” we throw toward a partner, or the dismissive attitude we have, can be just as cutting and demeaning!
Do you find this happening in your relationship?
When it comes to fixing challenges in relationships, know that being accusing, blaming, critical, and defensive; are the ABC’s of wrong relating! They will never get you what you want (a happy and fulfilling relationship) because they will constantly trigger your partner into taking a defensive stance against you.
The human brain has complex wiring, and the primary concern of the brain is to keep us safe and operational. When either of you become emotionally triggered, your brains become survival focused. Your bodies tense as your brains prepare you for fight or flight and this is reflected in both body language and tonality, often resulting in sounding attacking, cutting, blaming, or harsh.
This results in feelings of disconnection for all concerned, where you are on a not so merry go round of being triggered by your partner’s words and actions, and then your reactions to them.
As long as you and your partners brains remain on high alert there is a tendency to remain defensive and be dismissive of what the other is saying.
This is what prevents you from solving challenges in relationships.
No one inspires change (or is being attractive) when they are carelessly misusing the power of emotion.
Sometimes the threat may be from an ongoing sexual function issue. When either partner loses the desire to be intimate, they may become defensive, aggressive or shut down when questioned about it.
It's important to remember that sex is about both partners, not just about one.
Sexual intimacy is not creating a connection between two people but rather recognizing the connection that already exists between two people on deeper and deeper levels.
Sex is about connection rather than the act of having sex, and this is really important. You can feel totally confident in many areas of your life, but if you’re not functioning sexually as an adult, you’re going to suffer from low self-esteem and this will prevent you from feeling attractive and fully connecting with your partner.
Common sexual function issues include premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and being unable to reach orgasm.
If there is a physiological or psychological blockage that is preventing you from connecting intimately, then you cannot experience true fulfilment in yourself or in your relationship with a partner. Some partners may decide that sex is not important, however, sex is really about expressing emotional force in your life so that you can connect with others. It's about self-expression and it's about alignment with your core potential which has an innate impulse, urge or need to express itself to its complete fulfillment.
From obvious sexual function issues such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and problems reaching as orgasm; to fixing a curved penis or eliminating inner vaginal dryness and pain, it’s important to resolve these issues so both partners can restore desire and be able to reach the most satisfying levels of connection and intimacy.
You can only access your true potential as a human being when you can fully harness the power of emotion that is accessible to you. Emotion is what makes you feel vibrant, alive, sexy, and desirable, it is the power that makes you want to live!
Yet when you are blocking this force, or misdirecting it, you will feel drained and disconnected. You won’t feel sexy, you won’t desire sex and you may not even feel the desire to live. This is an example of wasting your power, and I see it happening a lot in relationships.
To resolve the communication aspect of challenges in relationships don’t try and push through when you feel a need to explain a concern. This need indicates that you’re not in an emotionally empowered state so it will not go well for you.
Reel yourself back in instead of trying to over explain your point of view. Remember that the vast majority of how your communication is received and perceived by others is via your tone and body language, so it’s vitally important that you become in charge of it. (This is not something you can fake).
The power of emotion is always fueling your actions and being felt by others. You need to be in alignment with this force so you can properly direct it.
To truly be capable of restoring a happy and satisfying relationship requires communicating in a manner which ensures both partners feel heard and understood. To do this you need to know how to direct the emotional force in your life, and also resolve intimacy issues.
Preventing challenges in relationships comes from the realization that when you stop making excuses and start being accountable for your actions, you naturally become more attractive to your partner as well as yourself, so it’s a win/win for both of you.
Creating a safe and empowered environment enables both partners to freely express their creative potential and connect on a higher, more fulfilling, and lasting level. I help men and women remove the blockages which hinder intimate physical and emotional connection. Removing these challenges in relationships brings confidence and the freedom to truly express yourself in your relationship and within the world around you.
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- Dr Paul (Surname withheld),
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Dating and Relationship Coach
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As the founder of the Psychosexual Alignment methodology and published author, Jacqui has helped thousands of men and women easily resolve sex problems and restore emotional connection. Get your ultimate sex education and elevate intimacy to an exciting new level of engagement with Jacqui's Sex Mastery Programs for Men and Women
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