Why can't I orgasm? This is one of the most frequent questions I am asked by women of all ages. In this post, I explain why you cant orgasm, what's preventing you from reaching orgasm and how you can experience an orgasm when you want to, simply by giving your brain the right signals.
Known as anorgasmia, being unable to orgasm affects a huge percentage of women, and men too! According to Planned Parenthood statistics, a staggering 80% of women have difficulty reaching orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Nearly 1 in 3 of these women have trouble reaching orgasm during any sexual activity.
Some men find it difficult to reach an orgasm too. While anorgasmia in men is a less frequent issue, it's no less frustrating for all concerned than other male sex problems such as weak erections, losing erection hardness, or ejaculating early.
When you cant orgasm, whether by yourself or with a partner, it can make you wonder if there is something inherently wrong with you. This can devastate your confidence as well as your self esteem, which can have a negative impact on your relationship.
You cant orgasm simply by hoping. Or by telling yourself “Come on! I want to orgasm now!”
And as you know, when the feeling is intense and you start thinking “Is it?… Is it?… Is it?” It usually isn’t.
The “Aw, just about had it..” thought promptly follows another failed attempt, as those intensely delicious feelings melt away… and you are left feeling disappointed yet again, in your inability to feel sexually fulfilled… in your ability to fulfil your partner… and in your ability to feel fulfilled as a human being!
I'm here to calm your fears, and can confidently say that not being able to reach an orgasm is usually a wrong focusing issue! This can be due to being mentally distracted or simply focusing on the wrong action which confuses your brain as to what is wanted.
Sometimes, not being able to reach an orgasm is caused by focusing too much on connection. This happens a lot with caring men and will frequently cause him to lose his erection. A man can't orgasm when he continues to focus too much attention on his partner instead of increasing his own sexual intensity. The more he focuses on connection, the weaker his erection can become.
Women who can't orgasm tend to give in to being mentally distracted.
If a woman is constantly questioning whether she will reach orgasm, she probably won't. This is because those random thoughts interfere with her awareness of arousal, and turn the orgasm program off in her brain! Vaginal dryness issues can also cause discomfort and pain. This can contribute to a woman's mind being distracted to the point where she can't orgasm. Check out my best natural cures for female dryness.
Wrong focus during sexual activity equates to confusing your brain as to what is wanted. Ongoing sexual frustration leads to disappointing (or boring) sexual encounters which eventually will negatively impact either or both partner's libido! Therefore, it's imperative to solve this "I cant orgasm" problem before it creates further challenges.
Many sex therapists will advise a man with weak erection problems to focus more on his partner. This is not only the wrong advice, it will make his erection problem worse! Male or female, it is absolutely crucial to learn how to correctly balance your sexual focus, which is what I teach my clients.
Just like any other fun sport, there are rules of engagement for reaching an orgasm. This includes boundaries and limitations which apply to both men and women. Being able to orgasm isn’t about what position you’re in. Neither is it just about your partner’s technique although that can influence it (as well as your overall desire for sex).
For example, if your male partner has a sexual problem then obviously that’s going to shorten the time frame available to you and compound your pressure to reach an orgasm before he finishes.
Basically, there are 3 main factors to solve in the orgasm equation. These all work together and directly influence whatever sexual act you are engaged in:
1. Mechanics – the actions of sex, whether it be with a partner or by yourself
2. Focus – how your attention is focused
3. Sensation – your awareness of physical feeling
How you focus your attention will influence the sexual programs in your brain; either increasing or decreasing your awareness of physical feeling.
Focusing your attention correctly enables you to maintain a balance of connection with your partner and the ability to reach an orgasm. However, too much focus in the wrong direction will prevent you from reaching an orgasm and can also cause other "sexual malfunctions" particularly in men.
The sexual programs in your brain MUST be activated in the correct order for you to build sexual intensity and reach an orgasm!
For women, get turned on - stay turned on - orgasm.
For men, get hard - stay hard and in control - orgasm.
Being able to enjoy the sexual act and orgasm when you want to, becomes quite easy, once you understand exactly how this process works. This is explained in my Sex Mastery programs for men and women. If you're fed up with your sexual encounters being randomly successful at best but more usually feeling confused and disconnected... then you need this knowledge.
Consistent results will be achievable when you know what you should be focusing on, and what you need to switch your focus to, to maintain optimal connection and build the intensity required to reach that elusive orgasm.
"It amazes me how simple and effective your methods are. This is the kind of sex education everyone wishes they had."
Performance anxiety is one of the greatest sex killers and frequently determines whether or not you will be able to orgasm. Anxiety around sex is usually caused by not knowing how to focus your attention correctly and what adjustments you should be making as you progress throughout sexual activity.
Ah, now we get to the fun part! The answer to how many orgasms can a female have, is quite simple. There are generally two essential components involved:
1) How is she focusing her attention? This will determine how quickly her brain advances her along the arousal scale to an orgasm.
2) How long her partner lasts. This will either increase or decrease her time-frame to get there.
While a man usually ejaculates at the same time he orgasms, a woman can orgasm and experience female ejaculations separately and multiple times within a very short time frame during intercourse.
For a woman who doesn't have any problems reaching an orgasm, many orgasms can be achieved in a row. This, however, can make her appear too self-focused on her own experience and may make her partner feel excluded! Orgasms can also reduce in intensity if she tries to have too many of them.
Squirting orgasms (female ejaculation) are easier for a woman to reach because they are going with gravity instead of against it. While intensely delicious, the sensations of a squirting orgasm generally don't last as long as a pulsing orgasm. While pulsing orgasms require a little more time and focus, they tend to have a longer lasting effect.
Orgasms naturally happen for a woman when she understands and applies the required focusing sequence needed to complete the orgasm program in her brain: Get turned on - stay turned on - orgasm.
Pulsing orgasms and squirting orgasms are different sexual "programs" that require a different focus sequence. By upgrading her knowledge base, a woman can simply choose her preferred program, activate the correct procedure in her brain and boom! She activates the correct muscle / hormonal response in her body and naturally has that orgasm!
With the right knowledge and techniques which I provide in my programs, orgasms become easy, even if a woman has never had an orgasm, is older, or orgasms infrequently. In her above testimonial, 76 year old Jean provided evidence to this fact.
For the best sexual experience as a female, I recommend aiming for one or two intense orgasms. A squirting orgasm during the act, and a combined pulsing / squirting orgasm at the end (timed with your partner's ejaculation / orgasm).
This allows you to pay more attention to your partner and fully connect on a deeper emotional level for a mutually fulfilling experience.
Timing his orgasm can be trickier for a male. Unlike women, a man is generally limited to one physical ejaculation and orgasm, so the timing of it is crucial. For some men, being able to orgasm is a strenuous and arduous task – taking such a long time that his partner becomes bored waiting for it to happen.
Conversely, when his partner takes a long time to orgasm herself, or cannot reach an orgasm, it is extremely challenging for a man to stay hard and in control. This is because he too, needs to focus in a specific manner to be able to retain his erection and feeling of being in control.
Couples tend to be quite tuned into each other, so your distraction will often become their distraction which can lead to functional issues for both partners.
Not being able to reach an orgasm can present many problems in a relationship. It is not an ideal situation, as a partner unfulfilled by their partner’s technique tends to want sex infrequently. This can add to, and cause performance anxiety which can result in other sexual problems as well as mental health challenges!
Can't orgasm? Both men and women must focus in a specific manner to ensure they don’t accidentally switch themselves out of their orgasm program - or into the wrong program, such as losing erection hardness in men.
My Sex Mastery programs (which are recommended by leading medical specialists) teach you step-by-step, how to have fulfilling sex and orgasm when you want to. So you can go from “Help, I can’t orgasm!” to... “Oh my God, that was amazing!”
Sex Mastery for Men - How to get a firm erection and stay in control of it
Sex Mastery for Women - How to restore enjoyable sex and orgasms
Get the easy answers for achieving a happy and satisfying sex life today.
"It amazes me how simple and effective your methods are. This is the kind of sex education everyone wishes they had!"
- Deb Morgan,
Relationship Coach & Podcast Host
"Your views about sexual function, human psychology and emotions will one day, change whole of medicine... I always recommend your website to my patients."
- Dr Vijay Raghavan, Award-Winning Diabetes and Metabolic Specialist
"Jacqui's system of connecting the mind and patterns of sex to reclaim your sexual function or enhance your sex is fascinating and insightful."
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Producer, The Unstoppable You
Most of my customers get relief after their first session, and recover completely after finishing the program.
More testimonials here
"I learnt more than I thought I would and the techniques work. If you're fed up with a sexual problem... see Jacqui - she gets results!"
- Mick, Australia*
"Jacqui explains how our body works in the most simplest of terms and how to stop orgasms from being just a random event."
- Sandra, New Zealand*
No more random events!
"For the first time ever, I had no problem with PE at all. My girlfriend actually got tired and needed a couple of breaks."
- John, USA*
My girlfriend got tired
As the founder of the Psychosexual Alignment methodology and published author, Jacqui has helped thousands of men and women easily resolve sex problems and restore emotional connection. Get your ultimate sex education and elevate intimacy to an exciting new level of engagement with Jacqui's Sex Mastery Programs for Men and Women
© Jacqui Olliver. All Rights Reserved. DMCA protected. The content on this website is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. *Results vary from person to person. Questions? Please email me directly and let me know how I can help: [email protected]